This video appeared on my wall today, and it’s very timely considering I’m currently working on my own mental health with more commitment and determination than ever before. The amount of people that know what I’m currently going through is only about a handful at this time, but that’s about to change.

Nearly three weeks ago, Beth returned home from a vacation with her parents. I had removed all of the credit and debit cards from my wallet and placed them in a Ziplock bag on her nightstand. I only had $11 cash on me. When I saw her, I told her that I needed to talk to her about something. For a significant other to hear these words, I’m sure that the majority of us would immediately think of the worst possible thing that they could imagine: infidelity, breaking up, tremendous financial loss, etc. Instead, this was the worst possible thing that I could imagine. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I’m facing my mental health in a way that I still don’t want to imagine: sober.

I told Beth that I had simply had enough, and that my depression and alcoholism is crippling me at this point. I told her that I need to seek treatment at a facility that is going to work on both my addiction and depression issues simultaneously, and that I need to prioritize it as soon as possible. Since then, I have spoken with my counselor and my psychiatrist, adjusted my meds, and completely given up all smoking and drinking/drugging. While I list drinking/drugging together, I don’t want family or friends to worry unnecessarily, so I’ll say that all of this is really focused on alcoholism and depression.

So where does that leave me? I’m in an intensive outpatient program that I’ve heard phenomenal things about in the past. I attempted an IOP at a different facility last year for depression, but it was not designed for anyone dealing with why I need treatment. This IOP is completely different. This one focuses very heavily on the alcoholism. It focuses on drug addiction. All of the clinicians are dual certified for both addiction treatment and as mental health counselors. I’m progressing through twenty-six sessions, three hours each, over the course of eight weeks before moving into a continuing care group. I continue to meet some great people coming in for therapy, and I also meet some that I want to kill with my own bare hands. Yes, that issue is being worked on as well. In addition, it offers counseling for Beth to help her understand what I’m going through whenever she wants to participate in those sessions.

Has it helped? Aside from some extremely unhealthy donuts that have been binged in the past couple of weeks, I think it has. I haven’t had a drink or smoked a cigarette since September 10, so I’m coming up on one month of sobriety. It’s a tainted number, though, because the night I had my intake is the same night I broke my ribs (which I assure you, I was completely sober at the time and have a drug/alcohol test to prove it.) Because of the pain medications, I haven’t actually been sober during therapy. I’ve just been legally drugged. The only saving grace here is that opiates have never been my drug of choice, and I’m at the end of the morphine and oxycodone prescriptions I received for pain management and I do not feel as though I’m hooked at all. Motrin and Acetaminophen will certainly be my best friends for a few weeks to come! With this sobriety comes the worst part of it; I’m now having to take a serious look at my depression. I have to look at why I feel as though my life is truly worthless, and I need to understand how others can seem to find happiness in a world that is rather meaningless in my mind. Most importantly, I need to know why my sober mind wants me dead more than my drugged mind does. I’m not looking forward to this battle.

Watch the video clip, please. It’s a little long, but hey, so are my writings. Thank God we have great health insurance because the program is only costing us $260 for 26 weeks. The majority of people in group with me are paying nearly $5,500 out of pocket. Something needs to be done to get EVERYONE the help that they need, and this is coming directly from one of those needing help.

Do I want to die? No. Do I want to live? Not really. Do I want answers? Absolutely.