Tonight’s Update: Today has been extremely rough on me. I haven’t felt this bad since the middle of last year. I woke up with a scratchy throat and massive headache, but then the emotional hell began. For those that kept track last summer, here’s the count. Times that I’ve broken down in tears: 0. I actually haven’t been able to cry since my last PRK operation was performed. Times I’ve wanted to break down and cry: 6. Hours spent in bed watching TV: 15. Suicidal ideation: close to five hours. Current medication: Still taking Effexor XR, but I haven’t needed to take the sedative antidepressant in order to help me sleep in quite a few months.

Side note: If you weren’t friends with me last summer, here’s the deal. I keep my depression in check by posting about it openly and honestly on facebook. My depression sometimes consumes my life and I feel very strongly that I want to end it, but I never have taken actions to do so and I never will. Shortly after Robin Williams committed suicide last year, I started giving nightly updates so that people could obtain a better understanding of what it’s like living with depression. I went through a lot of therapy. Pharmacological regimens were put in place and changed multiple times until I felt like I was truly safe being alone with my thoughts again. There is no cause for concern for my safety or the safety of anyone else as a result of where I’m at emotionally. I am keenly aware of my emotional status, and I would never put someone else’s life in jeopardy by taking on a role when I’m not able to perform at 100%. What do I mean by that statement? If I’m not mentally capable of being there for my partner or my patient, I’m not going to provide staffing at the firehouse. If I’m not able to guarantee my own sanity, I’m not going to work in a public setting. There is no need to report this post as suicidal, because I differentiate between suicidal ideation and forming a plan that can be carried out. I’ve never entered the planning phase, and most importantly, I know how to reach out for help if I ever feel like I’m getting to that point.

Back to the update. I hate feeling like this. I have no idea what triggered it or where it came from. Since 2000, I’ve always felt more depressed when the days get longer and the summer months are upon us. I know I’m a night owl, but I’m extremely confused by all of this. Depression is meant to manifest itself when the days are shortest, nights are longest, and holidays are upon us. My depression seems to elevate itself when the days are longest and the nights are shortest, and I don’t think Memorial Day was the holiday that the professionals were referencing. Why am I the complete opposite of everyone else? I haven’t been drinking, and, in fact, I’ve been eating much more healthy recently. I’ve lost twenty-three pounds over the last three and a half months, I’m watching what foods I consume, I’m drinking a LOT more water, and I should be in so much better shape than I have been in a long time. And physically, this is a true statement. I really am feeling much better. I’m going to have to buy a new belt soon, because I’m on the last notch of my current one. Physical and mental health are meant to be tied together somewhat closely, so why have I made so many improvements for my physical health and my mental health is laughing in my face right now?! It’s simply not fair that I can work so hard at trying to do everything right and this disease known as depression is able to take control.

What have I been thinking today? I’ve been thinking a lot about how there’s really no point in my being alive. I’ve thought about how relieving it would be for a bullet to travel through my head and release the pressure that has been felt that is weighing me down. I don’t mean that in a metaphorical sense at all. I actually feel like there is a giant weight creating pressure in my head, and I would like it gone. I’ve contemplated what Budd Dwyer was thinking when he actually pulled the trigger. Having made a plan and set everything in motion, was he feeling any relief at all prior to pulling the trigger? I’ve spent a lot of time today feeling like Red from The Shawshank Redemption. (Red: I’d like to think that the last thing that went through his head, other than that bullet, was to wonder how the hell Andy Dufresne ever got the best of him.)

I know that I have family and friends that love me. I know that should keep me from wanting to hurt them. People say that suicide is an extremely selfish act, and I understand why people think that way. I can’t help but see the other side of the argument, though. The people that love me have to put up with a complete asshole that is stressed and a burden to everyone around them while I am consumed with thoughts of depression. While those that don’t suffer think that it’s a selfish act, those that do suffer from depression often think it’s the only way to solve the problem of being a burden.

It looks like tomorrow morning will involve a call to the doctor’s office and see if I can get a quick appointment with the psychiatrist in order to discuss my meds. Here’s hoping that the depression gets in check very quickly this time instead of having a repeat of last year.

Budd Dwyer back story: http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=6a7_1403839406