Tonight’s Update: It finally hit. I knew it was going to be rough when it did, but I wasn’t exactly prepared for it to hit on a day when I was going to a wedding. I love weddings. I love the fact that people come together in front of their friends and family and promise themselves to each other, opening themselves up to the advice that everyone is about to offer them, learning lessons from the examples set by generations both ahead of and in unison with them. I believe that weddings are, quite often, the most vulnerable you’ll get to see someone in their lifetime. If you are really close friends, you’ll get to see this vulnerability a lot more, but this is the top of the line when it comes to the general friends and family circle surrounding an individual. It is the closest you’ll likely ever be to that individual or the couple; when they let all of their guards down and allow everyone else to see their true emotion. Maybe my depression is actually why I love weddings. Maybe I was destined to feel this way today because I’ve always desired to live in that exact moment of openness for the rest of my life. I hate hiding things from people, and I hate everything that goes along with it. I wish that everyone would just be themselves and allow their true feelings to shine through. Unfortunately, that’s not the society the majority of us live in, so I still love weddings. I’ll just have to figure out a way to manage my depression through these events in the future. The ceremony was beautiful. The bride and groom were both gorgeous and handsome. I left the church in a great mood, with Joshua Radin music in my head reminding me of my own wedding. Then came the reception. Let me preface this by saying that it was absolutely wonderful and everything I am about to say is a result of my depression kicking in at a horrible time. Overwhelming factors for my depression today: – The music was exceptionally loud for my preference, and there were dance floor lights that made me feel even more anxious. That’s something that I don’t really understand about today because I don’t normally feel anxious. Anyway, I’ve always been extremely self-conscious of my dancing. In fact, I steal a line from one of my favorite movies (Mating Habits of the Earthbound Human) whenever someone asks me if I dance. “I do, but like a white guy.” Beth loves to dance, but I didn’t feel comfortable since most of the music being played at the beginning was the groom’s native Polish music. When they finally switched to playing songs that I am familiar with, I was already too anxious to feel comfortable moving myself to the dance floor. I was sitting at the table beating myself up because all I wanted to do was get away from that situation, but I felt that I had to be there in order to support my wife. – It’s only somewhat recently that I’ve stopped drinking alcohol. I’ve been drinking at the reception for every other wedding I’ve ever been to, which is probably close to 30 or so. Needless to say, I wanted a drink. – In an effort to get some fresh air, I stepped outside. And there I was, right in the smoker’s circle. I’ve also been trying not to smoke recently. For those of you that don’t know, I was smoking cigarettes for a while. It was originally an “I’ll smoke when I’m drinking” type of thing, but then it stuck around. Well, having almost entirely cut that out, it was hard being around a wedding setting, where everyone is customarily drinking and smoking. Added to that is the fact that I normally have a cigar in hand at some point during a wedding reception. Needless to say, I wanted to smoke. It was at this point that the lack of all my vices (except for drug use) were combined together in a single moment of “why in the hell am I alive?” I didn’t feel like I was a good husband/provider. I didn’t feel like I could have fun. I didn’t feel like I was a positive impact to those in attendance in any way. Yet, after Beth got her slice of wedding cake, we got in the car and drove back to the hotel. Now I’m laying in bed contemplating things and I don’t get why I have a partner in life. She is happy. She is wonderful. Why did I ever decide to be so selfish to promise myself to her for life knowing that I could only bring her down? Like I said earlier, I love weddings. My depression just doesn’t allow me to believe that I was ever worthy of one. My depression doesn’t allow me to believe that I’m worthy of continuing to live. Unfortunately for me, my depression wants to keep living on while I suffer through it.