Tonight’s Reflection: It was in the series finale of Monk when Randy said he believes that “happiness is a choice.” He said this after seeing a bumper sticker on a car that had just been in an accident, and all of the passengers were dead. I’m guessing they at least died happy, because they believed it was a choice. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to have that choice in my life. I remember being in either elementary or middle school and going to the kitchen for breakfast one morning before school. I read out a headline in the newspaper, “Mother, baby killed in accident.” My mother made a comment about how sad it was that happened and I responded with, “We don’t know, maybe they deserved it. At least they don’t have to live anymore.” I won’t bother anyone with what came after that comment, but there is a portion of me that still feels that way. Thank God they didn’t have to live in such a miserable world where they would constantly feel like others are judging them, critiquing them, and talking about them behind their backs at every moment. They didn’t have to feel guilt or shame or pain at all. All they of the pain in the world that was to be sent their way had already been delivered, and chances were good that they were killed on impact and never even felt a thing. I’ve grown much more hopeful as I’ve gotten older, but the premise is still the same. There are a lot of painful situations in life, and they can last an extremely long time for someone that has depression. Sometimes they are created by the depressed person and no one else knows about them. I still feel horrible for having had a thought that I kept to myself one day in middle school. I made fun of someone I saw at the mall ordering a cookie and milk from Great American Cookie Company. Now, every time I eat a cookie, I feel like absolute crap for having judged this poor girl that I never knew. I’ve never once expressed that to anyone before tonight. Yet, I’ve lived with feeling bad about it for decades now. To that once-teenage girl, this is as public an apology as I can get at the moment: I apologize for judging you before I ever had the chance to know you. Sometimes nothing seems to go your way in life, and you feel like you’ve gotten everything wrong. It’s these times when I like to remind myself of another one of my favorite TV shows, House. Dr. Cameron is consoling Dr. Foreman and tells him, “you’re rarely going to get EVERYTHING right, but you’re never going to get everything wrong, either.” I’ve noticed something about myself just while writing this post. I quote a LOT of TV shows or song lyrics. Maybe it’s because it’s easier to use the words that others have already used to express their feelings rather than to create new verbiage of my own. Maybe it’s because I feel like my feelings are’t worth anyone hearing, but this other version reached millions of people, so it must be better. Or maybe it’s just because I would rather deflect the conversation to something I don’t have to think about rather than open myself up to the criticism and ridicule that could result. I sometimes feel like I am the cartoon character that is the only one in the comic strip that always has the rain cloud directly over them. And more often than not, that rain cloud is something that my mind has projected over me instead of the world actually crashing down upon me. This is because no one is tougher on myself than I am. You can throw your absolute worst at me and I’ll know that you are an idiot because you are wrong and I am awesome, but then I’ll think about all of the reasons I suck and bury myself right into the ground. No matter what the situation, whether I am just imagining that everything in my life is horrible, whether I am feeling miserable about my behavior in the past, or whether I’m hoping to make a positive impact on the future, there is one TV show quote that stands out above all others. It is the epitome of how I want to live my life so that I can continue to help others and remind strong throughout my journey. If you’ve ever read my favorite quotes, you know one thing. “Clear eyes; full heart. Can’t lose.” Tonight’s Update: I went to my first IOP appointment today. Turns out it was an evaluation so that they know what to work on over the next two weeks. Something happened immediately before my session started that left me angry, though. It left me quite perplexed, and it led to me realizing a few things in life. Most everyone has a different definition of the word family. Whenever I’m trying to figure this out for myself, I try to remember everyone that’s been there to help me through the toughest times in my life. Everyone also seems to have a different definition of loyalty. Whenever I question what loyalty means, I think of how Chester treats me. I was able to push those feelings to the side and proceed with my session, though. Thank you, antidepressants. The end result is that I will be doing six sessions of intensive outpatient therapy over the next two weeks and attempting to come to terms with what my triggers are for depression, as well as figuring out ways to effectively manage myself when I am faced with those triggers. I’ve been sleeping much better with the sedative medication, but I’ve now slept through my alarm two days in a row. Luckily, I don’t have commitments that I missed. I went to another aftercare meeting tonight and it was one of the worst ones I have been to, but the end result is that I didn’t drink or use drugs tonight and that seems to be what is most important for me to do while I work through my therapy and stabilize my meds. Unfortunately, now I’m writing my nightly update and I am beginning to focus on those feelings of anger from before my meeting. It’s probably time for me to just go to sleep instead of focus on it (it is midnight, after all,) but I want to say one thing before I do. If I’ve ever considered you family, you know I’ll be loyal until the day I die. If I’ve ever considered you a friend, You’ll get that same loyalty. If you’re an acquaintance, then you can try to upgrade simply by being around more. And if you were ever in a category and you left, for whatever reason, and you want back in, all you have to do is reach out and say hi. I’m a very forgiving person; sometimes, too forgiving when it comes to slights against myself. But that’s it. Just reach out and tell me you made a mistake and I’m here for my family and friends, just as so many of you have been for me. Thank you, once again, and I love you all. Music Appropriate for Tonight’s Mood: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JCoA92y24A