Tonight’s Update (Part 2) – People often tell me that I should slow down, take things one step at a time, don’t overburden myself, and other similar sayings. They say this because they do not want to see me get overwhelmed and slip back into a depressed state. What they don’t understand is that my depression has absolutely nothing to do with how much I’m taking on at one time. It has a very direct correlation to how emotionally involved I am with the situation at hand, but very rarely does it ever involve the fact that I have too much going on in my life. In fact, I thrive on having more possible tasks to complete than anyone would ever expect to be reasonable for a single person. Between now and mid-January, I will be spending the next two weeks working through my IOP program, three weeks in Alabama for training (Emergency Medical Operations for CBRNE Incidents, Instructor Training Course, and Hazard Assessment and Response Management,) two weeks in New Mexico for classes (Initial Response to Terrorist Bombing and Professional Response to Suicide Bombing,) a week in a Las Vegas class (Radiological and Nuclear Device Detection and Response,) a cruise with Beth, Thanksgiving with her family in Philly, Christmas with my family in SC, a week taking Aircraft Rescue Firefighter and another week taking Fire Inspector I (both here at home.) If you read part one of my update, you know I’m also going to restart the pursuit of my dream to get my bachelor’s degree. While I’m sure many of you are thinking that my desire to overwhelm myself with things to do is only going to take away from my desire to treat my depression and get myself into a healthier mental place, I can assure you that this is not the intent. It is also not my intent to keep myself so busy that I will not have the time to use drugs or drink, as was once very common practice for me. In fact, all of these plans have been discussed with my doctors and I’ve laid out a very logical way for my treatment to continue while I move forward with the rest of my life. Many of you may call it mania, but I see it as letting Bartlett be Bartlett and asking, “What’s next?” Well, I’ve provided that answer, and now it’s time to move forward. There really isn’t much to update in terms of my depression today. I’ve been doing physical labor almost all day, so I’m exhausted. I had a therapy session that went really well, an eye doctor’s appointment that also went well (going to get an enhancement to the Lasik procedure that I had done back in 2005,) and did quite a few other things that has just left me wiped out. My biggest complaint today is that the new medications have an impact on my appetite. They leave me hungry almost all of the time, and it is getting very annoying! Today was my last individual therapy session before I begin IOP on Monday, and I came out of it realizing that this nightly recap really is helping me to think about my day, my actions, my emotional state, and what might need to be addressed in both the near and distant futures. Sitting in front of my laptop and reflecting on the day is my own form of meditation, especially because the grammar nazi in me forces me to find the exact wording to express what it is that I mean to say. Having that high level of self-awareness has helped me tremendously in speaking with my doctors and getting my medications adjusted to the correct levels. Oh! The other big update tonight is that I realized it’s been quite some time since I’ve had a cigarette! I was mostly smoking when I was drinking, and since I’ve cut that out, the smoking has subsided with it. One big motivator is that I don’t want any mind altering substances entering my body except for prescribed medications so that my doctors have a fair chance at finding the best combination for me. This is certainly going to be a long process, but my overall attitude has changed in one specific way. At this point, I have stopped wishing I were dead and I have instead returned to no longer fearing death. What I mean by that is that I will fight it as much as I can, but when my time comes, I am not afraid to no longer be here. That’s how I’ve always looked at it unless my depression has been winning the battle in my mind, so this is actually a big win. Stay classy, San Diego.