Tonight’s Update: I’m tired. I’ve noticed that my attention span diminishes quickly when I’m tired, so I end up daydreaming a lot. Today has been filled with daydreams of people that I used to know. I feel like I still know them, but they are no longer in my life. These are people that I can’t just reach out to and invite back into my life, because they are at a different point in their own lives for one reason or another. Some of them have children and no longer keep in touch, while others have returned to a life of drugs and/or drinking. Some relationships have been ruined by others through no fault of my own. And even though this has happened, I can’t help but remember good times. I think about the initial excitement that lies within getting to know someone. Every now and then, you may find yourself sitting next to someone that is essentially a complete stranger, yet you feel like they know you better than anyone else ever has. I reflect on how I could see into their soul by gazing into their eyes and feeling as if their problems were my own. Often times, they actually were my own problems as we simply had certain traits in common. Sometimes the other person just needed anyone in the world to care enough to understand them in a way that would allow their demons to escape. This is why I often love watching Jennifer Nettles sing. I feel like I can stare right through her eyes and into her soul while watching her mouth open and release every bit of pain she’s ever felt, demons escaping from her heart and returning to their rightful place in hell. This is especially true in the song Stay (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPG1n1B0Ydw), as one’s desire to wipe her tears away from her face is only overshadowed by the desire to hurt anyone that’s ever hurt her in life. Of course, I also love her positive, upbeat attitude as well. Her upbeat songs allow angels to circle above for eternity. I’m angry. I started IOP today and felt like it was somewhat pointless because we didn’t actually talk about ourselves at all. Today was focused on learning stress management techniques. I feel that I don’t need to know more of those. I was hoping this experience would be about like-minded people sharing their own successes and pitfalls in life and helping each other through it, along with some guidance from counselors and doctors. Don’t get me wrong; there are plenty of people that will greatly benefit from a program such as this. It just isn’t what I was expecting. I’m upset. I’m working so hard to move forward with my therapy and recovery, but other people still see the old me. There honestly aren’t many changes. I still love watching Panthers football, listening to music, fighting fires and running EMS calls, and I’m still a loyal and trustworthy person. I shouldn’t be treated any differently because I have depression, unless I’m specifically asking for help at that time. In fact, someone recently tagged me in a picture that had a fitting quote. “One awesome thing about Eeyore is that even though he is basically clinically depressed, he still gets invited to participate in adventures and shenanigans with all of his friends. And they never expect him to pretend to feel happy, they just love him anyway, and they never leave him behind or ask him to change.” I’m lost. I want to be everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. I want to inject myself into everything in the world so that I can show how great I am at whatever I put my mind to, thereby receiving praise that validates my existence. I also think about the fact that it doesn’t matter how good I am at anything, none of it will matter one day when we’re all dead and gone. More timely, none of it will matter to me once I’m the one that’s dead and gone. I’m loving. I think about all of the people I’ve helped overcome their issues of self-esteem, depression, eating disorders, self injuring habits, PTSD nightmares, abuse and neglect, and I’m sad that they are not active members of my life anymore. These are people that I’ve given a very significant time commitment to, and allowed their problems to become my own because I treated them as if they are my brother or sister. Now, I don’t hear from them anymore. I’m continually shocked by how many people from high school reach out to me as a result of my nightly updates. These are people that I rarely ever see anymore. In fact, Christie Reynolds Sanders is the only person from any South Carolina school that I still keep in regular contact with. (And I personally don’t think there is a better family to have as role models than these guys.) Yet, there are so many others that have reached out and talked to me recently. While in college, especially while serving on Section, Region, or National staff of APO, I would constantly become close with people that would then fade away. Loyalty is a part of being a family. Family is a word that is often defined very differently from one person to another. Can’t we all agree that loyalty and trust are parts of being someone’s family, whether it is a biological connection or a chosen one? I’m haunted. I have recurring visions of those same people that I’ve grown so close to over time and then had taken away from me. I remember giving them a hug, wiping away tears, or just connecting through listening to music together. Now, every single time that I daydream, I see their face, I hold their hands, I give them a hug, and I’m fighting to get my sanity back. As I said before, I’m tired.