Tonight’s Update: It’s Tuesday evening at 1900 hours and I’m sitting on my couch watching Studio 60. I’ve been debating taking Chester to the dog park for a few hours now, but I can’t seem to get myself off of the couch to make it happen. In all fairness, I did clean the heck out of the house today and the reluctancy to take Chester out is much more about being tired than being depressed, but I’m also bored. I feel like I would get up and do something if it were just entertaining enough to get me excited. I contemplated opening the laptop to see who would be online and whether or not I could strike up a good conversation, but then I realized that other people live their lives according to routines and schedules. What is that like? I just don’t get that concept. If life isn’t filled with excitement, I often find no point in living it. And all of those thoughts put together made me realize that I needed to share with everyone the thoughts that I’m currently having. I mentioned that I’ve been rewatching Studio 60. The episode that I just finished focuses on a hostage situation in Grosse Point, MI where a guy takes four children hostage. The show ends with him killing all of the hostages and then himself. As expected, everyone is wrought with anger and simultaneously saddened that these defenseless children were killed due to the less than sane actions of another man. While watching it, I’m thinking about how my mind must be messed up because I would be the perfect individual to work on that SWAT team. I could help surround the house, make entry, communicate/negotiate, and do whatever it took to navigate my way through the situation without feeling emotional about the aspect that children are involved. But why is that? What makes me feel that way? I don’t think any less of children than I do adults, just as I don’t think any less of the elderly. I believe that every single person we come in contact with offers us something that we can take as a lesson and apply it to our own lives. So why is it so much more sad when children die at the hands of a terrorist than when adults do? I understand that this is a hot-button issue, and I wish to offend no one. However, if you believe that all life is precious, then why are you brought to deeper levels of sadness based on one death instead of another? Of course it makes sense if there is a personal connection involved. Certainly one would feel distraught over the death of a loved one more than we would the death of a stranger, but that’s not what I’m talking about right now. I’m specifically talking about mourning strangers and the impact that those deaths have on our personal lives. And I’m actually asking for serious feedback from people who have had this reaction. It’s pondering questions like this that make me realize just how numb I must feel all of the time. It’s almost as if I don’t feel anything at all unless I’m taking on challenges that others are afraid to face. I moved away from SC because I felt that people were just too content with life, so I moved to a much larger city where there would always be something to do, somewhere to go, and more life to conquer. I don’t think there is anything wrong with having ambition, but I personally feel like my life isn’t complete unless I am constantly demonstrating that ambition. If I’m not actively pursuing the next exciting chapter of my life, then I may as well do absolutely nothing. Why am I not okay with taking some time to just be content? Maybe it’s because I want to be everyone’s go-to guy in times of need. I want to know that my existence can be validated no matter what the situation is that I’m facing. It’s just those pesky times when I’m not faced with a self defining situation that eat away at me so much. You know the times I’m talking about; those are the moments that others call life. Quick note for all of my recently added facebook friends: I’ve been going through a phase of giving in-depth updates about my daily thoughts and progress in my battles of depression. This is nothing anyone should be worried about. I have solid support systems in place and am working with my doctors and therapists, as well as completing an intensive outpatient program this week. I am completely open to talking about my situation if anyone wants to discuss it further offline.