Tonight’s Update: The last couple of updates have been weak. Come on, guys; everyone that I’m friends with has my permission to sling craploads of fecal matter in my e-direction whenever you feel like I’m not giving it my all. I shared a lot a couple of days ago, but I don’t think I was actually talking about what I was going through nearly as much as I was just talking about my thought process at the time. I went to aftercare and my first AA meeting in over 5 years (excluding my weekend intervention program,) so let’s dish. I’ve woken up the past couple of days later than normal. Since I didn’t go to IOP yesterday, I had no real reason to get up early. The same was true of today. My next class doesn’t start until Monday and this week was originally dedicated to therapy, so I’ve been half-assing it for a bit. It didn’t start out that way, but someone said something to me tonight that definitely rings true here. “You need to believe in the program and have faith that it will work if you are going to be able to remain committed to it.” I didn’t believe in my IOP program after the first week, so that was destined to fail for me. I wouldn’t actually characterize it as a failure; it was more like I was taking a journey down a road that I’ve already traveled. As a result of sleeping in later yesterday and today, the routine of my nighttime medication has been toyed with a little bit. I’m feeling very well-rested when I wake up, but then I have very little to do during the day. The days have seemed long and, honestly, I just wanted to lay in bed and let them slip on by without anyone noticing. Those moments scared me. Why would I want to do that when I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am right now? I’ve made a decent amount of progress through therapy and medication, so is it okay to have an off day? Is it okay for me to have a day without any productivity? Is it acceptable for me to be content? I hate being content. It’s the times when there is nothing else going on in life (the moments I would define as content) that lead to me having the opportunities to drink excessively and use drugs. Let’s throw out the illegal drugs and just focus on drinking. I’m feeling depressed because I’m not doing anything, so I’m going to pass the time by consuming a liquid depressant. How does that make any sense?! Simply put, it doesn’t. Regardless, I went to what was possibly my final aftercare meeting tonight. I say possibly because there is no reason that I need to keep going other than to remain accountable to myself. If transitioning to AA meetings will do that, it will be more affordable and I’ll likely be around the same people. The difference is that aftercare allows me to feel like I have a choice. Aftercare meetings tell me that I can go out and drink if I decide to, but it’s a choice I have to make because I’m only hurting myself. In my experience, AA meetings have told me that everything I have done in life is because I’m an addict or alcoholic and “you don’t have to change anything, you just have to change everything.” For some people, great. I get it. You needed to change everything in order to find a new support system and friends that had everyone’s best interest at heart instead of people you could casually drink or use drugs with. For others, maybe they just need to add some healthy friends onto their existing network. I would never expect the best man from my wedding to stop drinking because I have, so why should I throw our friendship onto the coals of the fireplace in order to ensure I have no outside influence of alcohol? Let’s just forget the fact that he found out I was having hard times once and drove an hour and a half just to have a mediocre lunch in a small town near a training facility where I was taking classes, right? Those friendships don’t need to be replaced, so maybe I just need to add some more healthy ones on top of that. Another interesting observation is that aftercare meetings are typically comprised of people that have less than twelve months of sobriety. Trust me when I say that I know there is a great value in having someone that’s previously been in the same situation offer to show you the way out. However, there’s also something in being able to discover your own thoughts and feelings and then making an educated decision about what you want in your life. I certainly appreciate having the aftercare people to navigate these waters alongside. All of that said, aftercare meetings are designed to be attended for a finite period of time and then you are meant to transition to AA meetings. I could ride it out in aftercare for a bit longer, and I may decide to do so, but I know what’s coming down the road. I’ll have to figure out an answer sooner or later, so why not get started on a week that I’ve dedicated solely to my therapy and recovery. When my aftercare meeting let out, I got in the car and drove to an AA meeting. I was actually motivated, so I figured I should capitalize on the opportunity when the time was right. During the AA meeting, I had some time to reflect on myself while others shared their stories. First, It’s interesting to me when people say they fear being alone. I actually fear being with someone. I fear being less than a protector to someone I love, or worse, being a weight dragging that person down. Second, I feel that I need to feel like shit in order to be okay with my life. Feeling bad means you have nowhere to go but up. No matter what tiny bit of success you have during this time is made possible by the fact that I couldn’t possibly feel worse, so I must be setting myself up to feel awful in order to have every happening in my life be a form of validation. Please note that I did not say that I want to feel that low, rather, I think I need to. Finally, I can’t get on board with the higher power aspect of AA. Rely on God. Put your faith in God. Turn yourself over to God. What if you don’t believe in God? You’re then told, “okay, then use your higher power.” I promise you, nothing is higher in the world than I can be. (Yes, more high. I know. Thank you, grammar Nazis.) The point is, I don’t fully believe in God, I don’t believe in a higher power, and I don’t know how that is going to change. Everything in my life comes down to math and science, because if there is a God, and whatever that spirit may be, if it made someone as messed up as I am, constantly living in pain while trying to hide it and allow everyone to see the bright side, then they may as well be God and Satan, one in the same. When it was all said and done, I left the AA meeting and had a friend drive me home. My vision has been getting slightly worse at night as the effect of my laser eye surgery from a decade ago have faded some. I’m probably going to go for an enhancement procedure in November. While I was handing him the keys and asking him to drive, I realized how many times I have told my friends that I’m perfectly fine to drive after I’ve been drinking. My vision was likely much worse than it was now, but because it would mean that I’m a weaker person when I drink alcohol, I would fight the issue. Now that a medical issue is the reason for my impaired driving, I seem to be okay with it. Hopefully, I’ll be able to realize that my entire life with depression is a medical issue that requires constant monitoring and evaluation. The final takeaway having been to two different types of meetings tonight is this: I’ve spent the last two days feeling somewhat bummed out and trying to find things to fill my time because I didn’t want to lay around depressed. I forced myself to get up and go to these meetings tonight. I came away feeling motivated again and ready to try and get back in the game. And when I have days where I’m not posting much for no good reason (sometimes I really am just exhausted,) then I need to push through and get to a meeting. If I can’t find something about myself that could be improved, then thinking my way through AA meetings will provide another source of inspiration.