It was a loss to humanity that Mark Driscoll recently tendered his resignation from the Mars Hill Shoreline church. He has done wonders for my employment, not the least of which has been preventing potential employers from finding incriminating evidence when they run a Google search of my name. His absence will be felt by many, and it is a void that must be filled by an equally capable mind. His replacement must have an intimate knowledge of what it’s like living as Mark Driscoll, and they must be deemed worthy by meeting a set of strict criteria set forth by faith-based religious leaders. After giving this a great deal of thought, it is with great pleasure that I announce my online ordination to the Universal Life Church which took place earlier today. Please don’t let the fact that this ordination occurred on Halloween lead anyone to believe that I am preferential to Wicca. I beg of you, do not let a simple date hinder what I have set out to accomplish. I am here to celebrate your marriage, pray for the sick, hear your confessions, and to serve in so many other capacities as your spiritual guide. And what is especially important to remember is that you are able to trust in my training and education, for I have completed an online form.